Dear NBA,

Allow me. 

I know it's hard to understand some simple business economics when the last grade you 'attended' consisted of nap time and animal crackers. 

I say 'attended' because although you may have been at school, we both know your grades were earned on the court, not in the classroom. 

Let's take Nike for example, a lot of you wear their shoes and clothing. 

Derek Fisher - Head of NBA Players Union

If Nike were losing money each year, they'd restructure. 

There may be some layoffs, they'd lower salaries and close certain departments if necessary - just to name a few, in an effort to make their business viable again. 

And, if any Nike employee wasn't happy with the necessary changes, they could find work elsewhere. 

What company would continue to operate under it's current organization if it were losing millions each year?

Okay...yes, Mr. Madoff. Who else? Yep, Olympus Corp.........you get my point. 

If you haven't heard, YOUR COMPANY IS LOSING MONEY. 

In order to stay viable, some restructuring needs to happen. 

Salaries need to be lowered, revenue sharing needs to happen to initiate competitive balance and a hard cap needs to be instituted. Those are only a few of the basics that you need. 

Not too mention that we need a few people in the league to actually care about winning.......rookies don't count.

If you're not happy with this, go find work elsewhere. 

Like......El Salvador......or Japan. 

There is big money to be made playing hoop in those countries. 

The average foreign basketball player makes well below $1 million per year. While the highest paid foreign players earn between $2-3 million per - and this is only a small handful.

The top tier in your league is raking between $16-25 million per.

NBA owners want to reduce salaries by around 30-percent. 

Again, allow me. 

This would take the average NBA salary from $5.15 million to $3.6 million. 

The average person in this country makes around $43K a year. 

To put that into perspective, even if salaries were rolled back 30% the average NBA player would make $43K......... PER GAME. 

How ironic. 

Finally, you know what makes this whole thing even better? 

None of your fans care that you're gone. 

No one misses you.

If the NFL locked out the whole country would need a double dose of Zoloft.

So you take all the time you need. The owners and us(the 'fans') are happy to give it too you. 

It will give us time to watch the other more competitive, more exciting, more passionate sports.

You will eventually have to accept the leagues offer.......or take your talents to El Salvador. 

How to Make It in America, Part II

Dear Kim,

Congrats on the marriage! We are so happy for.........wait.....what? 

I thought I hit the jackpot on my wedding day when we hauled in $2K and a handful of crock pots. 

But you raked $18 million?

Let's see.....72 days per marriage at $18 million a pop. 

Hang on, I need to grab my scientific calculator.....

365 days/year divided by 72 days/per marriage = 5.06

5.06 marriages/year X $18 million/per = $91.08 million a year

$91.08 million/year = 2,459,459 crock pots

Anyone for some roast?

How to Make It in America

Want to be rich? I mean filthy freaking rich? Read slowly and carefully because contained herein are the  ingredients to some nasty wealth......or maybe just nasty.

Lady Gaga.....really? That's what we consider entertainment nowadays? Fifty-years ago she probably would have been banned from the Circus, but in 2011 she attains world wide fame and fortune.  

Disco sticks? 

Apparently we don't care about talent in America, we only care about who can be THE FREAKIEST. 

Dress up as a borderline naked robot mermaid and hang out in a bathtub signing a song that has nothing to do with near naked robot mermaids in bathtubs, and here come the Papa - Paparazzi!

I've got an even better idea; if you're average looking take all of the clothes you would wear on your body and wear them on your face instead.  It will give off an eerily attractive mystique; but you can't wear panties on your head forever. One day the truth will wave its noble hand.

Or If you're female and don't want to do 'The Gaga' you can kiss other girls, like it, eat cherry chapstick and then tell the world about it. We love hearing that kind of stuff put too the SAME - DAG - GUM - BEAT.

So do it. Wrap those CEO dreams up in a nice white hanky and put them in that handy little pocket they provide on your robe. Instead, be as freaky as possible and go make some nasty robot mermaid cash.

UnReality

How many friends do you have?  No need to be shy, let's hear the figure. In fact, why don't you say that number out-loud to your computer. 

If the number you just said exceeds your graduating class, welcome. 

Facebook could not have chosen a more perfect word to define the contacts you accumulate on their widely popular social networking site.

Remember how important it was to have friends in junior high and high school?  More friends equaled, more of a person.  It seems we never really lose that mentality.

People all around the world, are re-discovering....or discovering for the first time, the high that comes from being popular.

Are you a three, four or even five hundred friend-er?

If you are, you may want to consider the definition of "friend" mentioned in the Merriam-Webster dictionary.  

"One attached to another by affection or esteem"

For many, their status on Facebook has overtaken many of the previously valued things in their life including, but not limited too: family, friends, job, money, health, politics and reality.

We follow the every action of every day of every friend we claim.  We know Cindy Lou is drinking her latte as she rides the bus to K-Mart, and Burt loves his wife at 3:02pm on a Thursday.  

You on the other hand, share updates of recent oil changes and your favorite brand of ketchup, with all 506 of your closest and dearest friends.

Oh, a friend request!  I don't recognize the name.....or the face.....or the country......click.(sound of the mouse adding another building block to your already epic friend pool)

In a little less than ten years, our relationships have gone from face to face, too face to screen.

Whether it's cell phones, texting, video games, e-mail, facebook, twitter, t.v. or a whole list of other devices, we as a culture spend more time with our screens than we do with actual faces. 

Many of us have lost touch with reality and those close to them, and in the process have been consumed by unreality.  

(For a definition of unreality, please see the popular country song by Brad Paisley, "Online".http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/paisley-brad/online-22297.html)  

You may have snickered earlier when I asked you to tell your computer how many friends you have, but it might not be as funny as you think.  That screen might be the only friend you have left.